Women build walls. We can’t help it. We feel the need to guard the ones we love. No differently, we love to guard ourselves. It’s our nurturing nature. We want to protect the emotion, where as man likes to protect the physical domain.
It’s good to be able to protect our emotions and the emotional atmosphere of our home. We want our children to feel safe. We want our husbands to flourish. We want ourselves to live in such safety and freedom as well. When that’s under attack, we do the first thing we know how to do: build the wall.
Walls aren’t bad. They tell us who’s allowed in and who’s not. It’s not a bad thing to keep unhealthy relationships at bay. The problem is when we become so guarded that no one can penetrate through. This wall can take many forms:
- – wanting a perfect image
- – shying away from people, trying to remain inconspicuous. (YOU’RE the people I happen to notice first by the way…)
- – wearing sunglasses as protection from people seeing you, and you having to look at them.
- – giving a stone-cold look, causing others to avoid you
- – hiding behind a profession or title
There are others, but that gives a pretty general idea. My wall doesn’t look like that. I don’t like my wall. I often don’t know how to not pull it up in situations where I feel uncomfortable. I even know when I’m doing it! Guaranteed, I’m thinking; “Could I just let the wall DOWN for heaven’s sake??”
Wanna know what my wall looks like?
Excessive talking. Like, non-stop. Like, “SHUT UP, Connie” kind of talking. Now if I’ve ever talked your ear off that doesn’t necessarily mean I had my wall up, because its also the way you know you’re good friend. I clearly feel safe to share my feelings. But if I don’t know you well and I’ve talked your ear off – and perhaps you’ve felt like saying; “SHUT UP, Connie” – that was my wall you were experiencing. Weird, I know. I don’t get it either. But when I put up my wall, I desperately don’t desire to! I want you to know that I’m actually not really THAT talkative (just don’t ask my hubby his opinion, k?)
What I actually want to say when I’m with you is what I’m feeling deep inside. I’m a very deep thinker, who likes to really dig deep down into the guts of my emotion. I feel things deeply and love to talk things through with those who I feel will guard my emotions and see them as precious.
I think we all feel that way. Interesting isn’t it? We all want good relationships, but we feel the need to keep the walls up, keeping our desire at bay.
Maybe its time for a little rebellion?…. What if we let our walls down? How would that feel? I think we’d all feel pretty naked at first, probably very vulnerable…. come to think of it, it would feel downright uncomfortable! The scariest thing is that while my wall is down, so are my defences against your attacks. Hurt is inevitable as we have no idea what to do with those with no wall! It seems our only reaction is to hurt one another and see each other as “weak”. People who have allowed themselves to become vulnerable are a strange breed – a breed that freaks everyone else out!
We like it when others are the mysterious, strong woman (behind the wall), don’t we? There’s a sense of admiration and curiosity. But as soon as the wall is down and weakness is exposed, the true test of love is shown by the ability to love another wall-less woman….. to see beauty in her in frailty, not a chance for you to expose her for the sake of your insecurity or discomfort.
Then and only then, will she (and you) feel safe to flourish. Will you be a “safe” person for others to let down their walls? Will you take the first step, be brave and be the one who takes down your wall?
* this is about women’s walls towards one another. Our walls towards men is a whole different story….