So, you’ve just experienced someone walking all over you… again. It could have been your co-worker, or your sibling, or your partner, or your child.
You’re upset. It feels awful doesn’t it? But it’s not them you’re upset with. You’re upset with yourself for letting them do this again and again.
We know we are supposed to have boundaries. The problem is that many have no idea what boundaries are, and how to implement them. Here’s what most people don’t know about boundaries.
Boundaries teach others how to treat you, but more importantly, how you should be treated. How do you know how you want to be treated?
It’s a dangerous pattern for us to believe that we deserve toxic relationships, or to be treated poorly. We need to know our value in order to have healthy boundaries.
I’ve put together these 4 helpful tips for creating boundaries grounded in value so you and your relationships thrive
4 Helpful Tips for Creating Boundaries in Your Life
1. I control no one
We get into a ton of trouble when we try to control others. People without boundaries are notorious for this because they’ve bought into the belief that others determine their own happiness or success.
The truth is, you don’t control your children, your partner, your employees or co-workers – you control YOU. That’s it. As soon as you seek to control anyone else, you are dependant. The irony is the control you seek just left you completely out of control and at everyone’s mercy.
The first boundary to have in place, is to look to control yourself only.
2. Your mood doesn’t affect mine
Too many spend years walking on eggshells around others. The truth is, others moods really don’t have to affect you. You don’t have to go through life reacting to everyone’s moods around you. To reconcile this, you need to do some digging as to why other’s moods affect yours.
For me, I realized I had lived most of my life responding to the moods of others because I was always seeking approval. Once I started reminding myself I didn’t need the approval of others, their mood also stopped affecting mine. I took everything far less personal. What a gift to myself and to them.
The second boundary is to discover why others moods affect yours and reconcile it so you can live without having others emotions affecting yours.
3. Saying “No” is kind
I hear this all the time, “I have such a hard time saying no.” What we don’t realize is how cruel this is to ourselves and others. We end up doing things we resent, and it drains the life out of us. This often leads us to a cycle of blame, on others for “making” us to things we never wanted to do.
The truth is, no one “makes” you do anything. You’re a grown adult with the power to make decisions. If you choose to say yes to something, it’s all on you. Own your decisions.
The best thing we can do is get clear on what we want to say no to. The more “no’s” you say, the more you can say “yes” to things that really bring you to life! This makes you a pleasurable human to be around and fills your life with joy. You feel alive and vibrant.
It is possible to say “no” with kindness.
- “Thank you for this offer, but it’s not for me.”
- “It sounds amazing, but no thanks.”
- “Love what you’re doing. My capacity is full but you have my support.”
The third boundary is to get clear on what you want to say YES to, so you know when to say “no”. Your life and the lives of others will only benefit.
4. You owe me nothing
The truth is no one owes you anything.
Your children owe you nothing. Your partner owes you nothing. Your friends owe you nothing. Your boss owes you nothing. Your employees owe you nothing.
The sooner this sinks in, the more fulfilling your relationships will be. Every time I have a rotten Mother’s Day, it’s been when I’ve expected too much from my children. Birthdays have bombed when I had unrealistic hopes from my friends. My marriage has suffered when I expected my husband to fulfill me.
My marriage took a 180 degree turn when I stopped relying on my husband to make me happy. My relationship with my children is so much better when I stop reminding them of all I do for them and how much they should appreciate me. My friendships are fulfilling when I enjoy meaningful moments with others with no strings attached. My work relationships are enjoyable when I focus on my responsibilities and not on how much I’m doing compared to everyone else.
The fourth boundary is to set people free from your expectations.
It’s here you will find your freedom.
These boundaries will take intention. Instead of attempting to implement them all at once, why not take a week or two to focus on one.
Seeing these become natural will greatly improve your quality of life and relationships.
I would love for you to join me and others this summer, in my Thrive This Summer online course. We will be learning more about these boundaries and working on them as a group.
Doing it alone is hard, but with the support of others, you can go so much further.