I remember thinking to myself, “This is the way it will always be.” Those words brought me such despair, so much so that I drank myself to sleep for a year. Not because I thought being an alcoholic sounded fun, but because the pain of thinking my family would never change was too much for me.
Have you ever felt the same? Have you ever felt your family will never change? That this is the way it’s going to be forever?
In this blog I want to break down some of these barriers that are holding you back from seeing change in your home.
“It will never change.”
The belief that things will never change is crippling. It leaves you feeling powerless. It can spiral us into behaviours and addictions to cope that become damaging. Slowly hope corrodes and the poison of resentment and bitterness grows inside.
I’ve been in this place. To this day I have fragments of this that still come to the surface from time to time with new challenges that arise. But I’m here to say that I rose above this. It wasn’t easy, and to be honest, I could have never done it by myself. It took a friend coming beside me and pulling me out of my pit. It took me asking for help. It also took an incredible amount of courage to wake up every day.
The truth is it’s not going to change the way you want it to today, but it WILL change little by little by showing up to make little changes EVERY DAY. Commit to showing up to your family and doing whatever it takes. Put the timeframe of a year in your mind so you know this is long term. I was so discouraged each day waking up, but in hindsight looking back, changes were happening and I saw the significant improvement after the year.
“I don’t have what it takes.”
So many parents don’t feel equipped to face the struggles our kids are facing today. It can feel like we need a PhD in psychology in order to parent these days! I remember saying this almost daily. “I can’t do this! I don’t have what it takes!”
Do you feel like this?
This belief right here was my worst enemy. It screamed at me every time I got out of bed to do whatever I could do for my family. It’s voice was often so loud it felt like chaos in my mind. It tortured me and beat me down.
But I rose above it. Every day as this belief pushed me down I did what throws it off most: I took baby steps to do whatever it would take to educate myself, heal my trauma, and face the hardest parts of myself. This happened by chiseling at this every morning in my quiet time. I didn’t conquer myself and my family’s issues in a day. I didn’t read the magic book that cured us in a day. Again, it was showing up and doing a little bit every day that build into a brave resilience by the end of the year I never knew I had.
In order for your family to find change and healing, you’re going to have to push through with this voice screaming in your ear.
Worth it? OH YES!
Say to this belief when it comes up, “I see you.” Acknowledge that it’s there, it brings the emotion out of chaos. Then say, “But I’m not listening to you anymore.” and FEEL it’s chains loosen over you. Do this as many times as it screams (which could be 100x a day!)
“I’ve tried counselling, it didn’t work.”
“I’ve tried that method, it didn’t work.”
“I’ve tried it all, it didn’t work.”
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more defeating than feeling like nothing is working. It causes us to throw our hands up in defeat and let life beat us down.
This is probably the worst barrier of all. It causes us to lose hope, believe we have no control, and makes us feel void of purpose. Why try again, right? Why even bother, it’s just going to go wrong. I guess this is just the lot life has given, right?
Ummm.. NO. Not on my watch.
I experienced enormous disappointment with counsellors, schools, the mental health system, friends, and people in general. I can give you a list a mile long of everything we tried that didn’t work but I NEVER GAVE UP.
You can never give up either.
Did I want to? Oh yes! But what’s our other option? Just allow our family to sink? Allow the dreams we had for our family die? NOT ON MY WATCH. You have to find the resolve inside yourself to pick yourself up off the floor and keep trying.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it: it’s exhausting, it’s the hard road that not many take. It will feel like you’re in a Rocky movie. This is the arena, friends. Those who are getting punched in the face and kicked down but continue on anyways are the BRAVE ONES.
YOU ARE A BRAVE ONE. You are wired to do hard things.Your brain chemistry actually thrives on resistance.
I never found a great counsellor for my son. We’re still struggling to find a school that brings out his best. We have lost friends and have found people misunderstand our family more than they understand – but I’m still showing up every day refusing to believe that “nothing works.” SOMETHING will work. My family has come this far because of my belief to never stop trying. Throwing your hands up in the air is not an option.
Perhaps you’ve read this and you WANT to break through these barriers but you don’t know HOW. The truth is, it’s very hard to do this alone. It’s hard to break beliefs that hold you back on your own. What I wish I would have had was a village to surround me during our toughest times. If I could have painted a perfect scenario I would have had access to a counselling that was easy to find, accessible, and that actually worked. I would come home with support to help me know how to live that out in my home, coaching me in HOW to implement what came up in counselling. And I would have a group of people who were going through similar who would pull me out of the mire when I was ready to give up. People who would not let me drown, but send me a life preserver and say, “Not on my watch!”
Do you feel that would be helpful to you?
I have some good news. Even though I didn’t have this myself, I have CREATED it for you. Our Brave Parent Institute is exactly what I just described. Accessible counselling, coaches ready to walk you home, and a whole village of parents who are going forward to be brave TOGETHER.
If you’re drowning out there with these barriers knocking you down on the daily, I don’t want you to do this alone any longer. You can find out more about our Institute by CLICKING HERE or reach out to have a phone conversation about it with me by clicking HERE.
The truth is, your family’s future is YOURS to write.
Keep being brave,