When we lack boundaries, our lives feel chaotic and out of control. This builds up inside of us overtime causing great distress often revealing itself as disregulation, which I define as “going bazzerk”. Who usually gets the brunt of all of it? You guessed it, our family or those closest to us. When we don’t know what to do with the feeling of chaos around us it rules our lives. We hurt the people closest to us and react in ways we regret. Even if we don’t show disregulation on the outside, we can internalize it by diving hard into workaholism, perfectionism, jealousy, comparison, and inner anger. Do you feel disregulated and out of control? What you need is boundaries in the form of a structure.
The only person who can create structure for your life is YOU. It’s not the government’s job, or your boss’s job, or even your partner’s job to do this for you. The responsibility lies with you and you alone. Once you have a structure for yourself, you will gain a clearer picture of possibilities, health, and be able enjoy your relationships. Everyone around you thrives when you have structure, and more importantly, when you follow it.
The great news is that you have an enormous opportunity right now to take back your life! Revealed pain is always an opportunity for growth. What’s challenging is that most of us want to avoid the chaos and pain by hiding or ignoring it. We blame others to make us feel justified for keeping it around. It takes an incredible amount of bravery to not only notice pain points in your life and home, but to also listen to it – even more important to listen to it without shame.
When these three areas of life have boundaries in the form of structure that is kept, you will notice yourself become more regulated, able to handle adversity, create solutions to problems, and have more patience with yourself and your family.
Are you ready to take back your life and stop reacting to it? Let’s make the new year the best it can be by creating boundaries in these three areas.
Creating a boundary for your finances
For the first 15 years of my marriage my hubby would tell me repeatedly that we had no money. He and I are very different when it comes to finances. He likes to save and I like to… well, have fun and not save as much. I got so tired of him telling me how little money we had that I decided to take on our finances. I had no idea how to do this, but my stubborn pride to prove him wrong gave me fuel to figure it out. I started writing down everything we bought each week. Everything – even down to a dollar spent on parking. I totalled up everything up in categories at the end of every week and month and compare it to what came in only to discover…
OMG we had no money!
This may be one of the only times I will admit my hubby was right, but I knew that we had an opportunity to create a boundary that I could follow that would take the chaos out of our finances.
I’ve just finished year 2 of taking care of our finances and have created a structure to follow that has helped me. I am in no way perfect at it yet, but the structure I have created keeps me within healthy financial boundaries, which of course leads to a much better state of mind.
Many of us wouldn’t struggle mentally if we could create better boundaries for our finances. At the beginning of this new year, what a great time to start figuring out a budget that works and then STICK TO IT! A budget is a boundary that brings wellness to your heart and mind.
Creating boundaries in your daily routine
I am naturally a late night gal who used to get up around 10:00am each day. The problem came when I had kids who threw off this beautiful pattern of mine. When I would sleep in as a parent, I would find that my day was out of control even before I stepped out of bed. I was already 8 steps behind the ball. I would wake up to fighting, or chaos, or no one knowing what to do. I had to change this.
I had to create a boundary for myself to wake up at a certain time in order for me to start my day well, not jumping out of bed frantically reacting to it. I had to create a bedtime that would allow me to get enough sleep so I wasn’t momzilla to everyone. This, by far, was the hardest boundary I have ever worked on.
I now wake up anywhere between 4:30am-6:00am each day (depending on what’s going on in the day). No one is there cheering me on as I opt out of the snooze button. There’s no inspiring music, only the simple goal to get to the coffee machine before I change my mind and go back to bed.
Every morning I have my morning coffee and prayer. I then figure out a way to get my sorry butt off the couch and downstairs for my morning workout. When I am finished I feel invigorated and amazing! I am ready to face my day and whatever mood my 13 year old decides to give me that morning. When I follow this structure, I respond to my day not react. What an incredible difference it has made in my life. I’ve been doing this for over a year now and you can ask my family what a difference it has made for me as a person.
Creating healthy work boundaries
I have been an entrepreneur for the past 15 years, which basically means that I can literally never stop working and I get paid tens of dollars to never be done. I’ve recently taken a role as Senior Manager for a workplace wellness company along with continuing to run my National Hope Movement to end our mental health crisis, AND run my parent coaching company, The Jakab Co. Doing all of this means I need to have some firm boundaries as to when and how I work.
I’m a recovering workaholic. I love work, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from being in a marriage I want to last and being a parent is that work has to go bye-bye at certain points of my day or I won’t have much of a marriage or family left. When I work too much, my relationship with my husband and kids becomes strained and behaviours start going through the roof. Children’s anxiety raises dramatically when parents have unhealthy work boundaries. Children feel isolated and lonely leading to depressive thoughts and even suicide. When we aren’t around, our children suffer. We need healthy work boundaries so we can not only be present at home, but PRESENT – where our phones and computers are put away in the evening to look our kids and spouse in the eye and connect. There are seasons when more is required, but this should be the exception, not the rule.
When we don’t follow good work boundaries, we feel disregulated and out of control. Knowing when to stop and when to say no can do wonders for our own mental health that makes our homes spaces of health and comfort rather than stress.
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Creating and following structure in these three areas of life are boundaries we all need in order to take back our lives and thrive. No one will do this for you. YOU are the one who needs to take control. If you need help, I’m here as a coach to help you and cheer you on, as I know sometimes it’s hard to know where to begin.
Also, my online boundaries course will be coming out soon! Stay tuned.